Hello pants sniffers. Colonel Mustard here just to annoy you once more! Don't let the Weasel sneeze on you - he's got Chickens!
I am sorry I havn't been around. I am writing a fabulous new book, - "The Unconvincing Code" is the working title, - and my nom de plume is Dan Rank. Kevin Costner is to star in the movie and is already up here at Rosslyn Chapel signing autographs and looking for an impressionable and stupid masseuse.
Meanwhile John Prescott is giving the keynote speech at the 13th Annual Fat Bastard Society Dinner at Holyrood (for further details, contact his diary secretary) (for further further details, read what his diary secretary did with him in the Mail On Sunday)
My story of the week has to be the "Women break world bra record" report. According to Reuters:-
PAPHOS, Cyprus (Reuters) - Women on the Mediterranean island of Cyprus created the world's longest chain of bras of Sunday, linking together nearly 115,000 of the garments covering 111 km (70 miles), organisers said.
The 70 mile Bra thing was then used to catapult the ashes of Angela Dworkin into space with the help of a giant rachet and some enthusiastic male helpers. Poetic justice I call it, cos she would get on my threepenny bits i can tell you. But why Paphos? Bristol would have been better - geddit?
I have to go now. I have just eaten a milky snack from Danone called "Condyloma Rice" and I am feeling queasy and sympathetic.
Your best mate,
COLONEL MUSTARD
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