GUEST CONTRIBUTOR - Colonel Mustard


Hello me! Meet the real me! Like the music Weaz, you old fag hag! Just thought I would breeze in and tell you how daft you are for liking little fluffy chickens. I bet you even eat ethically. Well it's all a load of Birkenstocks to me. I like my eggs from a proper factory with no shit on them and in plenty of plastic packaging so that the stinky shelf fillers can't touch em.

Football! Oh don't start me on football. The smell! The unwashed abroad. The terminal disappointment, tempered by cheap beer and German prozzies who are all septuagenarian trannies with big hands and chapped lips. No wonder Wayne Rooney looked upset.

And now I hear that Top of the Pops is finally admitting that it's dead. It was never the same after Pan's People started having babies and wearing sensible knickers. (Nothing to do with me) Gnarls Barkley is a computer programme generated by two students in Manchester. God I love QVC, but I am in ecstasy about Price Drop TV. How can they do those prices?

WWJD?
Question. Would Jesus have been surprised if the disciples had clubbed together and bought him a new pair of sandals - or would he have discerned this charitable act in advance?

Would he, therefore, have said, "oh yes, sandals. Of course I had foreknowledge of this" - or - would he have been genuinly surprised, or, would he have had foreknowledge but feigned surprise just to be nice?


Now I have to go. It gives me a migraine headache, just thinking down to your level, and anway I feel inclined to cause mayhem and confusion at Lidl by putting "bogofs" on all the personal hygiene products.

your best mate
COLONEL MUSTARD

2 comments:

a.c.t said...

Lidl, a fine supermarket along with Aldi. If you care to ignore the chaos, many a bargain can be found. I must keep a look out for the bogofs on toilet paper..

hangthedj said...

Wayne Rooney upset by old tranny prozzies? I thought he liked that kind of thing. I am sure he is in his element!