Essential Cool - Part One: Drinks

Drinking is Cool. Like all things that are cool, drinking can be the death of you. Being a transvestite is cool but only if you are a cage fighter by profession and can see off anybody who takes the piss. Getting drunk is not cool unless your baby left you, which is part of the Blues Lifestyle Guide. Blues lifestyle is synonymous with Cool.

Cool drinks require a certain amount of post modern irony in order to enjoy them properly: you can order a Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred and everyone will laugh with you as long as you stipulate Stolichnaya and Noilly Prat (pronounced "prat" by the way) or "two large scotches and two pints of cider, ice in the cider". Single Malts allow you to plow a particularly rich vein of post-modern irony: "How about a nice 12 year-old? Gary Glitter would say" boom boom. BTW, working movie dialogue into everyday conversation is a requirement of cool conversation. "No, I am not going to kiss you, but you need kissing, and soon, by someone who knows how".

Cool Drinks: Scotch, Jack Daniel's, Manhattans, French 75, Martinis, Brandy Alexander (stuttered and lisped Alexander) like Anthony Blanche in Brideshead Revisited. Krug, Mumm Cordon Rouge (Casablanca), Margharitas. Real Ale. Beck's and Thunderbird...

Uncool Drinks: Pino Grigio*, Alcopops, Any cocktail with a silly title, such as "Sex with a finger in your anus" and any drink that has an umbrella in it or fruit and veg. If you want a celery stick, fuck off and start a grocery business. I have not included Gin & Tonic, because it is so essential, like water, that this drink is impervious to such anthropological analysis. G&T just is.

The first rule of drinking at home is, be meticulous about presentation and effect. Sometimes, when I am lazy, I slush some gin in a tumbler and a splash of vermouth and call it a Martini. That is not a Martini, that is a travesty.
For General advice on how to drink, go HERE (Hat Tip, Clams Linguini)

A word to the wise, don't get too desperate - See below.
*You may feel I am being a little harsh including Pinot Grigio in the list of uncool drinks. This it not because in itself it is particularly uncool, but because it is Italian. Italian? you shite, lidely, just like Lady Bracknell. Yes, I am sorry, but Ferraris were crap this year at the F1GP and you buy Italian goods at your peril. Sure, if you enjoy the taste of Duckhams 20/50 buy Italian Olive Oil. If you like Mozzarella, tainted with Polonium and Melamine, go ahead. And just look at Berlusconi. Have I made my point? Does the Pope have a balcony? Taste La Dolce Vita, and then watch your decaying teeth fall out.


Clams Linguini said...

Mrs Linguini always insists on a Tom Collins (on my nickel) when getting soused at the Algonquin. They serve it by the pint.

Jim Baxter said...

More good advice here, this time from Frank himself, my editor.


Richard said...

Here's a cool drink:

Flute glass
1 measure Archer's Peach Schnapps
Top up the half way with Cranberry Juice
Top up all the way with champers (or whatever fizz you like)
Serve, and watch guests fall over.

It's our regular Xmas morning drink. It tastes like fruit juice and has a kick like a mule. It sounds poofy, I know, but it makes your knees go funny, and that's what counts.