Blackness and Despair

It started a couple of days ago. It was a sunny day, I was on a pleasant mission, but I was in a foul temper. That in itself should have alerted me that something was wrong because, I don't get bad tempered that easily. Rarely in fact. And so it was that today I was near to tears. I felt dreadful. I particularly felt so lacking in confidence and so defeated. Sometimes, thankfully this is very rare. I just want to sit in a heap of misery.
As a result, I have been clumsy and inept. I remember, 30 years ago being in a newspaper office, trying to type some story and literally stopping dead, mid sentence, unable to continue. I had convinced myself I could not write a word and that I was just a pathetic piece of shit. Self loathing. Pity. It just is not me.

As a result, I nearly ruined the dinner and gave us third degree burns. My recipe literally exploded all over the kitchen. It took an hour to clear the mess up.

I am ok now, and it has passed, but it is scary and not a great place to be. I felt so small. By naming it, by looking at the reality of my life and by standing on the sea shore watching the sun set, I was able to deal with it, I think. That and listening to Dr Weasel rehearsing her lecture to me, that she is giving in London next week.

I am not sure about the fuss about this bloke who has shot a lot of people. There seems to be one of those outpourings of national hysteria, a la Princess Di. Individually, the deaths are a tragedy to the loved ones left behind, but, do me a favour, national stress and grief is fake and unhelpful. There is no need to change the gun laws just because, once every ten or 20 years, somebody freaks.

People are still going on about David Laws. I think the poor sod has had enough of his life being picked over by the media, don't you?

Being in the slough of despond has meant that I had very little time for what has been going on elsewhere.

The Bilderbergers are meeting again; Mandy and Boy George will join a lot of eminence grises at a posh hotel in order to decide how the world is going to be run and the price of Diamond White. No, no really. If there was a conspiracy to rule the world, they have done no more and no less than to fuck it up. Apparently the Euro is on the agenda. Fat chance of a group of old farts and has beens being able to do anything about that crapuolous piece of monopoly money, even if they are all secretly gay with Greek boyfriends.

And now, time for a tune. One for the weekend. Many of my loyal and sadly, old readers, enjoy the songs, and as one email correspondent pointed out, the little dancing people seem just about able to swing along to anything. So, for the little dancing people on the right, with the funny Bertie Basset head, swivel on this suckers!....


OH, YOUR RED SCARF MATCHES YOUR EYES,
YOU CLOSED YOUR COVER BEFORE STRIKING,
FATHER HAD THE SHIPFITTER BLUES,
LOVING YOU HAS MADE ME BANANAS,

Friday Caption Competition; (if the picture is worthy of one)

16 comments:

have a few beers said...

Chin up WW. If I get down I just think 'heck I'll be dead in 20 odd years and life will go on as normal'. We'll be quickly forgotten about apart from close family. Insignificant in the overall scheme of things. The fact that we're here is a miracle of epic proportions so sit out the depressed period with a few beers in the garden. Or like yourself a trip to the seaside.

I'm glad Theresa may is now in charge at the Home Office. I could imagine Labour having kittens over the Cumbrian maniac story. Good article in the Gruinad about it..

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/jun/03/politics-fear-security-lobby-money?CMP=twt_gu


Looking to the future and the collapse of the euro etc the video on this site is good. Watch the economic hitman video aswell. It explains why the US is so powerful and in control of so many economies...

http://scotlandunspun.blogspot.com/

Ruth@VS said...

Glad you're feeling better. Sea and sun are always good treatment, but I learned years ago that what I need around me to keep myself on the level are fields, sheep and a vegetable garden. As my Other Half says, gardening is very therapeutic and it certainly kept me sane in the days when I spent half my life in the City.

As for the Cumbria incident, my Other Half has just switched the radio off in annoyance as they are still milking it to death. Tragic, yes. Time for another look at the gun laws, no. Bad things happen. Sad, but true.

Wrinkled Weasel said...

Thank you for the kind words. It was a moment, an unpleasant passing moment. There are people who live in that place all the time.

Yes, we are transitory Mr "beers". We will be forgotten, at least most of us will. Being grounded is certainly important, Ruth. I have lots of good reasons to be cheerful.

My personal demon, if you like, is a lurking sense of failure. It is something I need to face.

Jim Baxter said...

Yeah yeah, been there, done it, got the lifetime presciptions, told you you were a moody bugger.

Now, the caption.

'Few today remember the original Ingmar Bergman version of 'Taxi Driver'.

Hamish said...

What Jim Baxter said, Wrinkled.

Jim, the last part of your comment was harsh, but the last part of WW's post was superfluous, verging into conspiracy theory.

Jed (if I may) forget the seven-year itch and the mid-life crisis.
In my experience, we all go through some sort of crisis every ten years.
If you have them more frequently, ask you GP for beta-blockers. If that reduces your libido, ask your doctor for Viagra/Cialis.
If he tells you that you'll have to pay for them yourself, point out that he put you on the other medication in the first place.

On this blog, it goes without saying IMO, DYOR, etc.

Jim Baxter said...

Hamish,

True, but I'm a time-served nutter - got the medical records to prove it, so have earned the right. Takes one to really know how to talk to another - no mushy stuff.

Richard said...

Glad you're feeling better now. I get similar 'down' periods, where nothing has any point, everything is too much effort, and I get short-tempered and (I am sure) very hard to live with. Being unemployed at the moment has meant that I have been more-or-less permanently in this state. Only the good weather (which I really appreciate) has made the days worthwhile. My 'cure' is to jump on the bike and ride it off. If I didn't have the bike, I would be out walking, hard, to burn it off.

The key for me is to realise that I am in that state, which can take a few days. I look at myself and ask myself why I am being so foul to people who love me, and then I realise. As soon as I get to that stage, I can make myself snap out of it. It's the time before that, when I don't realise I am in that mood, that is the worst. I suspect it is a very mild form of depression, but I haven't seen anyone about it. No point. Once I know what's happening, I force myself to be 'nice', and within a few hours I am 'nice'.

As soon as the music started playing, I knew that I had that song deep in my memory - but where the hell from? I must have been very young when I heard it, as I didn't realise it was a spoof - I thought it was a 'real song' and wondered why I didn't understand it.

Chin up, old chap.

Jim Baxter said...

Richard,

Spot on. Whether you're mildly down or clinically down, showing extra kindness and appreciation to those around you helps as much as venting hinders.

Wrinkled Weasel said...

Judging by the replies, I was right to mention this. Thank you, all of you, for being open.

Jim Baxter said...

And not a word about my suggestion for the caption. That bad was it? I see. Well, I shall get yez in html in my own way in my own time.

Wrinkled Weasel said...

Sorry Jim, completely slipped my mind. I thought it was rather good and very left-field.

Jim Baxter said...

That's quite all right Ged. Only kidding (something you never have to say in person but frequently have to say online).

Quite understand. But, and hat-tip to Richard here - trying to maintain normal service after you've been a bit poorly in the mood and even while being a bit poorly in the mmod is the best hope of getting out of the damned thing sooner rather than later.

Since it's you I shall withdraw the threat.

Time you rode to the Eldrtich Hounds. They'll solve all your fox problems.

Richard said...

Jim, I thought your caption was spot-on. I tried a few in my head along similar lines, but didn't get the 'click' that yours did.

WV: weedin

Huh?

have a few beers said...

caption contest

A young Charlotte Church is given some sad news by her agent and clairvoyant.

"Your career will flourish but then you will end up married to a rugby player doing sad reality type shows for the masses while looking like a floundered whale "

Wrinkled Weasel said...

Brilliant, Mr HAFBeers.

Roger Thornhill said...

Caption

"Inspired by Mohammed"