Weasel's Alternative Budget

Taxation was once upon a time only used to raise revenue for armies and the occasional excesses of pervy monarchs. These days it is quite clearly a mechanism for social engineering, so I thought I would do a budget of my own, given the topical nature of budgets, and this being a blog that is supposed to at least pretend to be topical.

My budget will be a carrot and stick budget. Some may call it popularist, but I know where the votes come from. Here goes:

A freeze on duty on fags and booze.

Legalise cannabis and tax it at the same rate that tobacco is taxed.

Legalise Prostitution, but enforce strict tax regime according to what is on the menu and how disgusting and perverted the service is. VAT will be charged, and customers who are VAT registered can claim it back if it is for entertaining business clients.

Car Tax. This is currently related to engine size and green credentials. I would scrap that and tax vehicles according to how cool they are. For example, a Dodge Charger would be exempt of all vehicle tax, but a Rover would have a £500 tax disc. All White vans will attract the top rate of tax unless they have a tacho in them which records adherence to speed limits and use of phones whilst driving.

While realising that people need a break from crippling taxation, I must address the deficit. Accordingly, I have created a brand new tax, effective immediately on wordage and packaging of food. The first layer of packaging is free, as long as it can be demonstrated that the purchaser can open it without needing medical attention for lacerations. All instructions, such as "serving suggestion" or "may contain nuts" (the latter, especially if it is a banana) will be taxed at 5p per character, per item.

This next initiative has been difficult, but I am reducing the BBC's TV licence from £145.50 to 70p. Of course, the BBC may wish to conduct a campaign against this move, or even attempt to do a lot of programmes that attack me, but at 70p, they are not going to find it very easy are they?

But we still have to make economies due, as my predecessor often asserted, to the global meltdown.

Therefore, I regret that it has been necessary to impose a tax on any organisation that uses the word "Green" in its literature or remit. "Global Warming" will attract a similar rate, which will be 20% of net income.

But the tax imposition must go further, my friends. Cycling has become a blot on the landscape. So with immediate effect, lycra, if used for making cycling clothes will attract a special VAT rate of 100%. Bicycles themselves will have a flat, index-linked, premium of £1000.

I have now to address the cost of the public sector. All PFI contracts will be subject to re-negotiation or cancellation. All PFI interest payments, currently amounting to billions of pounds will now be subject to Zero interest. Furthermore, all public sector workers who cannot actually put their finger on what it is they actually do, will be personally taxed at 60%, thereby snatching back at least some of the public money they are wasting.

And finally, the rabbit out of the hat.

All taxation on holidays and travel will be suspended between May and October, and that includes personal as well as business travel. This will encourage industry and cheer everyone up.

I commend my budget to this blogosphere.


Smoking Hot said...

Just couple of things:-

White vans should have concession if ferrying The Resistance back and forth to EU.

All game/talent TV shows with phone in voting should only be allowed to keep 1% of revenue from phone votes. Actually l begrudge even that!

Wrinkled Weasel said...

Smoking, the Resistance is being addressed. I have instructed the Home Office to issue a cease and desist order to UKBA officers as regards all importation of duty goods for personal use. But for some reason, they are not returning my emails.

Ruth@VS said...

Excellent! I'm voting for you..

Dave said...

No chance of legalising cannabis in return for a share in the profits.

You have to be able to control the supply in order to tax it. The government are largely succesful re brewing and distilling and tobacco.
But cannabis? Not a chance. I doubt if the promise of an amnesty would persuade the drug gangs to give their hard earned to the government.

My suggestions?
One rate of tax once threshold of 10k is reached. Set at 10% and no allowances, no offsets, nothing. I realise that the accountants will howl but after all, we're all in this together.You pay a straight 10% on everything over 10k. Simples. The tax take will be higher.

strapworld said...

Just another typical politician. I see you are allowing 'CLIMATE CHANGE' to be allowed.

Unless you do a U turn and remove this I cannot support you.