Weasel's Alternative Budget

Taxation was once upon a time only used to raise revenue for armies and the occasional excesses of pervy monarchs. These days it is quite clearly a mechanism for social engineering, so I thought I would do a budget of my own, given the topical nature of budgets, and this being a blog that is supposed to at least pretend to be topical.

My budget will be a carrot and stick budget. Some may call it popularist, but I know where the votes come from. Here goes:

A freeze on duty on fags and booze.

Legalise cannabis and tax it at the same rate that tobacco is taxed.

Legalise Prostitution, but enforce strict tax regime according to what is on the menu and how disgusting and perverted the service is. VAT will be charged, and customers who are VAT registered can claim it back if it is for entertaining business clients.

Car Tax. This is currently related to engine size and green credentials. I would scrap that and tax vehicles according to how cool they are. For example, a Dodge Charger would be exempt of all vehicle tax, but a Rover would have a £500 tax disc. All White vans will attract the top rate of tax unless they have a tacho in them which records adherence to speed limits and use of phones whilst driving.

While realising that people need a break from crippling taxation, I must address the deficit. Accordingly, I have created a brand new tax, effective immediately on wordage and packaging of food. The first layer of packaging is free, as long as it can be demonstrated that the purchaser can open it without needing medical attention for lacerations. All instructions, such as "serving suggestion" or "may contain nuts" (the latter, especially if it is a banana) will be taxed at 5p per character, per item.

This next initiative has been difficult, but I am reducing the BBC's TV licence from £145.50 to 70p. Of course, the BBC may wish to conduct a campaign against this move, or even attempt to do a lot of programmes that attack me, but at 70p, they are not going to find it very easy are they?

But we still have to make economies due, as my predecessor often asserted, to the global meltdown.

Therefore, I regret that it has been necessary to impose a tax on any organisation that uses the word "Green" in its literature or remit. "Global Warming" will attract a similar rate, which will be 20% of net income.

But the tax imposition must go further, my friends. Cycling has become a blot on the landscape. So with immediate effect, lycra, if used for making cycling clothes will attract a special VAT rate of 100%. Bicycles themselves will have a flat, index-linked, premium of £1000.

I have now to address the cost of the public sector. All PFI contracts will be subject to re-negotiation or cancellation. All PFI interest payments, currently amounting to billions of pounds will now be subject to Zero interest. Furthermore, all public sector workers who cannot actually put their finger on what it is they actually do, will be personally taxed at 60%, thereby snatching back at least some of the public money they are wasting.

And finally, the rabbit out of the hat.

All taxation on holidays and travel will be suspended between May and October, and that includes personal as well as business travel. This will encourage industry and cheer everyone up.

I commend my budget to this blogosphere.