Guest Contributor - COLONEL MUSTARD

Hello ready-meal buyers and tax dodgers, and oh yes the occasional masochistic member of the legal profession. Colonel Mustard here, to make your sad repetitive lives a bit more interesting. Who gives a rat's bum fluff about Wayne Rooney? Apart from his Bus Pass carrying girl-friend. Our haggis and deep fried Mars Bar eating Caledonian friends, in their inimitable racist way, are saying, "support any team but England". I say bugger the lot of them. Who's interested in football any way. And oh, all that nasty synthetic material against the skin. Even the fact that the supporter's shirt cost you an arm and a leg does not mitigate the fact that you look like a Strawberry Solero.

Why not do the next big chav thing, which is of course Croquet. I hear Prescott has ordered a special edition set from Burberry, although he could well get a set of tiddly winks for all the sense he speaks.

your best mate,

ps this will make no sense whatsoever to our Colonial friends in the good ol US of A, but, who gives a toss! They are all stupid and smell of chemicals and their footballers are all nancy boys.

Oh. I hear James Blunt has caught bird flu. Or is it wishful thinking on my part?

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