I am often asked, "Ged, how can I be cool, like you?"
It is a sad fact that many people out there still wear Farah slacks, drive ecological cars and listen to Radio Two. Some try to be with it, by feigning interest in popular culture. Some try to get into music that is made up of "samples". (Point 1: Carpet salesmen use "samples". Anybody else, is a dick, including Massive Attack, especially if they come from Bristol.) Lemon Jelly is maybe OK, but that is because they sample cool people. Some people buy phones with applications they are never going to use, such as the one which enables you to find a gay cruising partner near you. This is just not cool - it does not expose your gay friendly credentials, it merely exposes your dearth of real friends.
Lesson one about being cool is that cool dates. Things that were cool once are not cool now. Hamburgers in a Wimpy bar were once cool. In 1954, the year of my birth, Wimpy Bars enjoyed a moment of Cool value. 2cvs were cool at the time when Jean Paul Belmondo still had black hair. Now they are largely driven by vegetarians, and as you know, anything used or eaten by a vegetarian is de facto, uncool.