How to be Cool

I am often asked, "Ged, how can I be cool, like you?"
It is a sad fact that many people out there still wear Farah slacks, drive ecological cars  and listen to Radio Two. Some try to be with it, by feigning interest in popular culture. Some try to get into music that is made up of "samples". (Point 1: Carpet salesmen use "samples". Anybody else, is a dick, including Massive Attack, especially if they come from Bristol.) Lemon Jelly is maybe OK, but that is because they sample cool people. Some people buy phones with applications they are never going to use, such as the one which enables you to find a gay cruising partner near you. This is just not cool - it does not expose your gay friendly credentials, it merely exposes your dearth of real friends.

Lesson one about being cool is that cool dates. Things that were cool once are not cool now. Hamburgers in a Wimpy bar were once cool. In 1954, the year of my birth, Wimpy Bars enjoyed a moment of Cool value. 2cvs were cool at the time when Jean Paul Belmondo still had black hair. Now they are largely driven by vegetarians, and as you know, anything used or eaten by a vegetarian is de facto, uncool.
In fact, small cars, with the possible exception of a Daihatsu Copen, are not only not cool, they are ultimately depressing. Ladies know a lot about cool. They know, for example, that it is uncool to wear leather trousers if you are over thirty. They know that it is uncool to drink Pinot Grigio in public and have a membership card for the local gym. Nobody cool ever goes near a gym. Nobody. Believe it or not, flared trousers were once cool, and in some ways they still are, but here is a warning, and point number two, Cool is age sensitive; if you can remember wearing flared trousers in the Seventies, wearing them now is certainly not cool. Artists were once, by definition, cool. Not any more. Damien Hirst is a wanker and Tracy Emin is a silly bitch. It is cooler to be an ice-cream salesman (as long as you leave a copy of Steinbeck's "Travels with Charley" by the box of Cadbury's flakes.) It is cool to grow things. Very cool. It demonstrates many cool attributes, the main one being that you no longer fall for the idea of buying microscopic vegetables, wrapped in cling film, in a polystyrene tray,  that have been transported 2000 miles from a repressive African State in an airplane. It is cool to keep chickens.

So, I have said enough for now. I invite questions. I am happy to pronounce on what is and what is not cool, in order for those who struggle, to be a bit cooler. And by the way, struggling to be cool...is not cool.

15 comments:

Ruth@VS said...

I'm cool! Yay! First time in my life, thanks WW.

RantinRab said...

My fridge is cool.

Lorenzo said...

I've been cool all this winter.

Clams Linguini said...

Or you could just read this. Only ten chapters.

http://www.amazon.com/Guys-Guide-Being-Mans-Man/dp/0425208761/ref=cm_syf_dtl_top_1

are museums cool ? said...

I went to our local museum and art gllery yesterday and am in my forties. It has just reopened after 5 years of refurbishment and I last went when I was about 10. It felt just as exciting 30 years later and just as cool. It had a record of the intervening 30 years since I last visited. All the fashions, music, computers etc. And the famous ' shrunken head ' was back on display. Bringing flasbacks from the 1960's when I used to see it in my nightmares. Sadly there was a sign under it saying that it may not be a real head. PC rules probably mean they can't invent stories about objects without proof. They must know whether it's a real head with all the technology available these days so it's probably not a real head.
The museum itself was packed with folk of all ages but only the oldies were in the cafe. Is the museum cool ? Is the cafe not cool or is it just that only oldies can now afford an Americano coffee with cake ?
Strangely on our way home we saw police in white forensic suits pulling a real shrunken body out of nearby undergrowth. It was a strange day. But was it cool ?

Wrinkled Weasel said...

Dear commenter - Are Museums Cool? They certainly are.

Every single museum on the planet, from the niches ones, like the Barometer Museum: http://www.barometerworld.co.uk/ to the British Museum are all, very safely within the margins of cool and you can visit, safe in the knowledge that Buddy Holly or Janis Joplin or Jimi Hendrix would be just as interested in how things work and the way things were, as you are. Indeed my Rock Star friends always do museums when they are over from LA.

And now the very important issue of Coffee and Coffee shops. Coffee is cool. It will never be not cool. However, when entering a coffee shop, ask only for a "Normal, medium Coffee" or a double espresso. All the rest - the skinny lattes and the machiofellatios with marshmallows are for interior designers, people who like Elaine Paige and people who iron their duvets and Peter Mandelson. Am I making myself clear? Don't buy the muffins. They are made of children from third world shitholes or recycled tires.

White forensic suits, like surgical greens and lab coats, casually hung in the hall, are cool, as long as they don't have stains on them.

I hope this sets your mind at rest.

are museums cool ? said...

Yes thanks DL. You confirmed what I thought. Museums are cool. Looking at the cross section of folk walking around yesterday I suspected as much.
I'm a coffee shop addict and do try to avoid the muffins etc. Costa coffee cakes are the worst. Huge cumbersome beasts. But I like the ambience of their cafes and the free newspapers so am a regular visitor. Their Americano is the nearest to a normal medium coffee and is ok.
I don't like Starbucks. The cups are ginormous and you wait ages for them to make your coffee. O'Briens sandwich bar is good in an emergency plus you get the free chocolate square ( tip : remove the square from your saucer asap as it dissolves in about 5 minutes )

are museums cool ? said...

Oops sorry WW. I called you DL there . I seem to hover between you and DL's bog. Not very cool of me !

RantinRab said...

DL is uncool. He is an Ayr fud!!

RantinRab said...

Only kidding DL!

are museums cool ? said...

Ha ha. Killie isn't too cool either Rab.( esp their rank football team) But your blog is quite cool.
And here's a chance to make it even cooler. Be the first carbon neutral blog !

http://www.kaufda.de/umwelt/carbon-neutral/1-tree-1-blog-how-it-works/

Lorenzo said...

Hey wow I was cool, I worked in a museum for two years.

Richard said...

Coffee was cool in 1962. Today, tea is the new coffee. But only builders' tea. Not those fancy things that smell like a garden centre. Infusion? Who the fuck drinks an infusion? Tea, milk, no sugar, ta.

charlady said...

Sorry but tea will never ever be cool.

Richard said...

It is if you leave it in the pot long enough.