"Canoe Man" pleads, Please call me John

Rasputin

John Darwin, also known as the "Canoe Man" is known to be applying to the courts for cliche re-alignment after making a complaint about his unfortunate epithet.

Darwin has recently pleaded with the national press to think of another title for him.

"I only used the canoe about three times and then used it to stage the disappearance. I am actually more interested in tennis and Airfix modelling and the occasional long distance walk." he said. "And now, not only have I served time in prison, but I shall be forever known as the canoe man. if I had known it was going to hang around my neck like this I would have pretended to jump out of a plane without a parachute. At least I might be known then as 'parachute man' or 'Ryanair man', which sounds a bit more exciting.

His wife Ann (56) also known as "Canoe Man's Wife" has filed for sequestration of nomenclature in the High Court and is seeking to become known as Bernice Ecclestone.

In other news, there have been reports that David Aaronovitch has not been seen since the death of Jeremy Beadle:

McGuinness/Garfunkel

Art Garfunkel is currently residing in a safe-house in Derry.