Labour MP not in expenses scandal


Montague Gurring, Labour MP for Scotton with Fuller, has been found not fiddling his expenses.

Gurring, who defied the Government whip recently over the hunting with Coley and Sild issue, said from his home today,

"I was just being honest. It seemed wrong to claim taxpayer's money for things I expenses I did not incur or to pretend I needed a second home. I have an old caravan parked in back of the Palace of Westminster, for late business, but to be honest I hardly use it. It cost me £340 on Ebay, and I hadn't the heart to charge it to the taxpayer. Of course, my wife helps me with constituency work, but she gets minimum wage, in order to remind her what it is like in the real world."

Gurring, known for his machine washable ASDA suits and packed lunches, and who lists his outside interests as keeping an allotment and having the odd punt on the gee gees, shunned the attention at the weekend.

"What's all the fuss?" he said to me during a short phone call. "I try do do it the honest way, I even buy my own wank videos"

5 comments:

Jim Baxter said...

I don't belive him. You watch. He'll be saying the Hitler Diaries are genuine next.

Aye We Can ! said...

guid post

Montague Burton said...

Marvellous, simply marvellous.

strapworld said...

He went to the same approved school as myself. We met in the whips office. He rather enjoyed that day. I decided it wa not up my street.

But we became quite good friends and I can testify for his meanness, sorry honesty. He always placed the same sixpence in the church collection plate, and retrieved it immediately, using a trick he had purchased from that shop on the back of the Beano comic.

He loved playing practical jokes on people. sadly they almost always backfired. Like the occassion when he placed a potato on the exhaust of a car, thinking it was the Head of Science's vehicle.

Sadly it was the local police superintendent's car and he was bound over and whipped some more for that episode. But he liked it!

When he first stood for Parliament, he received the smallest majority ONE!, But he went on to double it at the following general election and at the third election he actually doubled that. What a record. On each occasion he was opposed by the local Rector standing on a Hang em and Flog em ticket. At the three public meetings (one for each election) Montague would just tell the assembled three people of his time at our school and being whipped. That brought a tear or two and ensured victory each time.

In Parliament Montague still retains the record of never actually speaking in any debate, whatsoever. He has never put down a written question and, sadly, has never been asked, by any prime Minister to join the government.

He has, though, been asked on many occasion to consider his position! This he did with some aplomb.

You forgot to mention that his dying words, on his death bed, in his caravan on the Terrace at Westinster, were "I leave for a better place, for which I need not pack"

His State funeral (it was a state) was attended by most MP's that could get there. Three managed to be there. Two to hold the plank of wood and the other to push the body of Montague, wrapped in an old coal hession sack, into the Thames.

Sadly as the body fell towards the Thames a barge carrying household rubbish was travelling past and Montague landed amongst the rubbish. His final resting place is believed to be a deep landfill somewhere in Kent. Sad as he particularly hated Kent!

Wrinkled Weasel said...

I see the Scotton Pinkney website is down again.

Thomas Fuller deserves a sound thrashing. Come to think of it, he has been seen recently in the company of Max Mosley.